Kakashi's Singleness
by violettachan
Summary: For the Kakashi lovers out there, I know there's more than a few, on Kakashi's thoughts on various aspects of his life. Ch. 8 up finally.
1. Singleness

Kakashi's Singleness By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.  
  
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Kakashi's Inner Thoughts:  
  
Women his age were becoming less and less appealing with each passing year. Counter to rumors it wasn't because he was a sukebe who liked nubile young bodies, but because he could only be interested in a kunouchi who could understand and support him in the life of a shinobi. And in his age group it was hard to find one still alive, much less single.  
  
And even with the few that DID fit such a description, Kakashi found that they were battle hardened and bitter. Being a shinobi didn't exactly give you the best opinion of mankind... That didn't mean that he wanted to be with someone like that.  
  
He wanted someone who could calm his nerves, tell him that life would not just be "okay" but that the future held secrets worth seeking out. And yet a non-shinobi who hasn't experienced the threat of death on a daily basis and has only lived a "normal" life couldn't really do that for him. Any assurances such people gave always felt empty; only someone who had been through what he had...  
  
It was no use to brood; he always came to the same tired conclusion: he wanted a kunouchi and there just wasn't anyone in his age range. So what to do? Become some creepy old guy who goes after young girls? No thanks. He didn't need the entire village thinking that he was going through a mid- life crisis and he also wasn't about to confirm their suspicions about his perverseness.  
  
And besides, an innocent young kunouchi that still had a positive outlook on life wasn't going to mysteriously stay that way just for his benefit. Life tends to catch up with all shinobi in the form of death or resignation to its proximity.  
  
Thus, the constant singleness. He was pretty much used to it by now, but still it DID get lonely. Maybe that's why he couldn't help but read the "Icha Icha" series. At least they gave him some kind of spark in his life. His libido didn't just die because of a lack of outlet and those books WERE romantic...just rather detailed in the consummation of said romances.  
  
Maybe he was being fatalistic. Just because he hadn't found a kunouchi who's seen it all but hasn't been jaded didn't mean he would NEVER find one. But in the meantime, why carry false hope? It seemed better to be resigned to solitude than to be disappointed everyday when he had to take his meals alone.  
  
But maybe...maybe one day he would meet that taisetsu na hito*, someone who would add a layer of richness to his life. ======================================================================  
  
* important person/special someone  
  
:::This is my very first fan fiction (or any kind of fiction for that matter). I have no idea what inspired me to actually write something. I've been reading them for a while, but never thought that I would do it myself. Maybe it has something to do with jet-lag and the fact that it's about 3 am local time... Well, here it is... I'm not sure if this is a one- shot or an epilogue to a story of Kakashi (though I can't think of who to pair him with...) I'd really be happy if I get constructive comments, or actually any comments... hey it's my first, I get to be desperate-ish right?  
  
So, go click that "Submit Review" button and bring on the comments. It'll give you good karma, I promise.  
  
Cheers,  
  
Violettachan 


	2. Mask

Kakashi's Singleness By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.  
  
Wow!!! So many reviews! I honestly didn't expect this many. Now I understand why people get into this. It's been THE key factor in making me want to continue this story. Oh, and for those who may have wanted to submit anonymous reviews...I totally didn't realize that I had it set not to accept them. Sorry. But please let me know what you thought this time.  
  
Cuito, Me-la Kenzu, Aiko Yamada, Suzaku no miko, radicalL, Kitsune Angel, Lasaire, Fireblazie, Lady Geuna, Jewel Song, Soju, and RurouniGochan: thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate you taking the time to encourage me to continue.  
  
As for the seeming hetero-ness of the fic... I'm not opposed to Kakashi being gay, but I thought I'd start his inner-self as straight. I can't see any indication of gayness in the manga, so if he is to go for a guy, I think it would be more gradual. That said, I don't think I could write something so intricate as a seemingly straight guy realizing yaoi feelings very well. Who knows?? For now, I guess I'm leaning towards hetero though.  
  
Also, I do realize that I could bring in an outside character, but that feels just a tiny bit like cheating. I find that the fun (though difficult) part of a fan fic is working within the limitations set out by the original work. But it's so true that Naruto suffers from a lack of females to choose from. But what can you expect from a shounen manga (boy comics)?  
  
Since I still can't think of a pairing for now, on fireblazie's suggestion, I'm going to attempt to write about Kakashi's mask.  
  
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Kakashi's Mask  
  
Kakashi's mask...he didn't usually even notice its existence when he was alone. It was such a part of him and his habits that it didn't even seem significant. But the mask was a constant source of questions from others; though, "questions" might be a bad choice of word since most people didn't have the audacity to ask. However, their glances (or more often stares) were pretty much the same thing.  
  
In Konoha, such things usually went unmentioned / unnoticed...curiosity had killed more than its fair share of shinobi, but of course that wasn't the case for Kakashi. The aggravating thing was that it wasn't even odd for a ninja to cover most of his face; it was the damn rumor that he was one of the best-looking men in Konoha that brought about the complication. Kakashi had no clue who to blame for this. It had been YEARS since he had last shown his entire face in public. How could they even know what he looked like anymore? For all they knew, he could have wrinkles and scars that would make Jiraiya's face look silky smooth in comparison. Well, of course that wasn't true, but the point was THEY didn't know.  
  
Sometime, so long ago that he hardly remembered the reason, he had started wearing the infamous mask. Some assumed that it was to cover his lecherous looks; others whispered that it was out of vanity to cover disfigurements marking his beautiful face. Yet others believed it was out of an effort to ward off unnecessary attention and remain nameless, faceless as a true shinobi...which was hard to do with swooning women littering his path.  
  
Kakashi had heard all these theories and more. None of the conjectures were really right; though there was a laugh to be had and a grain of truth to each: he did enjoy the poker face it gave; the mask, along with the hitai ate*, did help hide his sharingan and attention drawing face; but that wasn't why he had first donned the black fabric...  
  
Sometimes, he wished that he had never bothered with the stupid mask. Then maybe people wouldn't be obsessing over it today. Perhaps they would have just gotten used to his striking features and stopped giving him unwanted attention... ah, but it was too late for that now; wasn't it?  
  
Besides, he'd already seen how people reacted to pretty males like Sasuke. And he was a kid. That at least kept the drooling adults at arm's length, even if their eyes were more than a tad glazed when they ogled him. It made Kakashi shiver to envision what they were thinking (though with maybe just a touch of excitement with certain people). Imagine what the crazy women of the village would do if it was a grown man? The self-control of a ninja wasn't exactly limitless, *especially* for one that had been lonely for a while now. A ninja can train all he wants, but that doesn't make him a eunuch; the success of Naruto's "Oiroke no Jutsu" being a case in point. Hey, if even a hokage can't always control himself, who on earth would expect such a feat from Kakashi?  
  
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It was true that life-changing events are most often unplanned and even go unnoticed at first. He didn't consciously set himself up to be a masked ninja...it had just happened.  
  
When he had been nothing more than a baby-ninja in the Academy, he had always found it odd that people couldn't see past the words that described him: handsome, genius, and on and on... He felt intrigued by these terms that seemed so alien to him. Wasn't he just Kakashi?? Apparently not to the others.  
  
There were fan girls who had never talked to him that proclaimed their love for Kakashi, though they didn't even know the first thing about him. It always amazed him that these girls could delude themselves into thinking that they could fall in love with nothing more than a pretty face. There were also boys who wanted to challenge him to a fight to prove their strength though they knew of Kakashi only through rumors. It wasn't as if they actually acknowledged him as an opponent worthy of respect, but merely saw "Kakashi" as a name that would look awesome on their "beaten list." It was amusing but also made a bitter smile appear under the black cloth when he actually thought of how the majority of people in his life had never cared to learn about his inner self.  
  
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It was actually pretty funny how the whole mask thing had come about. A girl (he couldn't even remember who or why) had slapped him HARD. The only thing he DID remember clearly was that it was so unexpected that he didn't even have the time to move away from the brunt of the blow, even though she wasn't even a kunouchi. Little Kakashi was so embarrassed to have such a person get the better of him...hence the mask to cover up the splotch of color on his cheek. Since that fateful day (though only so in hindsight), he had learned that a mask could do much more than just hide a slap mark.  
  
At first, he merely thought that the covering made him look dangerous and ninja-like. Even the effort required to keep his face covered all the time was "cool" to him since it subtly showed his skills.  
  
Then as time passed he noticed that the mask seemed to give him an aura of inapproachability that kept away unwanted advances. There were less of both the annoying girls and boys that imposed on him. Even his enemies seemed more intimidated by him too. It was great.  
  
As he rose up in rank, the black cloth became a part of his "ninja" uniform that made him mentally steeled to be a ruthless, emotionless, elite shinobi. After many years had passed, he found that it was actually more than just a part of his uniform. He realized that it was hard to contemplate being without the cloth even amongst his own team-mates to whom he entrusted his life on a daily basis.  
  
The symbolic wall between himself and the world had become a comfort to Kakashi without him even noticing its existence until it was too late. With all that he'd been through, the extra barrier between him and others was welcome, if not necessary, to keep his good humored outlook on life.  
  
By now, it was just a habit to put the mask on after every shower (that being the only time that it came off fully). No conscious thought required at all...except of course to keep away from the prying eyes of his sometimes too avid fan club who have been trying for years to catch him without his mask. The jounin girl had almost succeeded that one time, but thank god he had seen through that elaborate genjutsu. Not that he was exactly a blushing virgin, but being caught buck-naked by some random girl just wasn't his idea of a turn-on. He had made his bathing times irregular after that. Any trap that was clever enough to deceive him was hard to execute without a precise timeframe.  
  
Some of his friends (the ones who seemed to realize that he used the mask to keep distant from the world) had been telling him that he should take the material off sometimes. That his fan club would stop bothering him when they could no longer fantasize about his features since reality was always more boring than dreams. That it didn't really provide much function (it wasn't as if it was poison/shuriken/kunai-proof or anything) and even hampered his sense of smell that might prove to be crucial at some point. Maybe they were right.  
  
It DID get hot in the summer with a black cloth covering your breathing passages. And it did get ridiculous when he had to eat/drink/sneeze/cough/kiss...well, okay so he wasn't going to do the last thing anytime soon, but still...having to use major ninja skills to invisibly perform everyday functions was good to keep sharp but absurd nonetheless.  
  
But it scared him to take it off, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone else. Nobody but himself had to know about his intimacy issues. Well, that was until he found someone special that it would actually affect. Maybe that person would help him figure out what to do...  
  
Oh well, the old saying was true...you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, it was more like you can't teach an old dog to stop performing his old tricks. But habits are hard to kick. Besides, it was so much more fun for Kakashi to aggravate people who can't read his expression. The look of exasperation on their faces when they couldn't tell whether he was serious or joking was worth the extra effort having the mask required. Oh, the harmless but priceless joys of his life...how else was a man to stay sane while dealing with a bunch of angst-ridden teenagers?  
  
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*forehead protector with the village symbols  
  
:::Wow, the first one just came out naturally but this one was extremely difficult. It's so hard to keep it congruent with the first chapter, especially since the subject matter is quite different.  
  
Okay, so it's turned out almost THREE times as long as the last one. Is it too wordy? Should I have kept it tighter? Or do the extra words actually add more depth to the story?  
  
Also, I'm often serious and silly within seconds of each other, so I used the same for Kakashi. I hope the switch from one to the other doesn't seem bipolar or anything. I think that he is a comedian that would see the funny or ironic side to his problems. Let me know if you think otherwise. I'm really open for constructive criticisms. And yes, the good karma is still valid for a review of this new chapter.  
  
Cheers,  
  
Violettachan 


	3. Nonchalance

Kakashi's Singleness By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.  
  
Hi! Sorry for the long time between updates. Um, hopefully you all haven't forgotten about little ol' me and my attempt at a story. The thing is, I had a lot of great reviews that made me want to update as soon as I could...but alas, my muse was silent. In fact it's still being pretty damn quiet, but I was able to put something together. I honestly don't think I have much more to add to this little series. So for now, I'd like to say that my look into Kakashi is over. I really enjoyed trying to get into the head of such an enigmatic character. Hope I did a decent job.  
  
I'm actually quite nervous about this chapter...it feels a bit forced. That's the main reason why I'm ending this before I beat it to death. I can't really think of what else to explore about Kakashi. I would have loved to do something about his Sharingan, but I don't know anything about the back-story that's already been discussed in the manga/anime. So I would rather choose to forgo doing it rather than going completely against canon. But if someone wants to help me out with that (a small summary of what is known/been hinted at or a website where I could get said info), I would be willing to give it a try.  
  
Oh, and I obviously never did come up with a pairing that I could feel satisfied in writing about. Which is too bad...I did consider Kakashi/Kurenai for a bit but just couldn't get the feel for how they would work out as a couple. I really think Kakashi needs someone to bring him out of his shell a bit and Kurenai doesn't seem outgoing enough to do that. Maybe I just need to learn more about her? I haven't really seen the girl in action much, so what can I say?  
  
I really appreciate everyone that's reviewed and hope that I was able to give you a moment's enjoyment. Even though this is the last chapter (probably), please review and let me know what I did right/wrong so I can improve my style. Thank you all.  
  
Cheers,  
  
Violettachan  
  
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Kakashi's Nonchalance  
  
Even people who assumed that they knew Kakashi well thought that he was always nonchalant...well except when it came to the "Icha Icha" series. But that was so far from the truth that it was laughable. If anyone actually knew how hard Kakashi worked to appear laidback, they would probably kill themselves from laughing so hard.  
  
Sure, he had always had a blasé personality, but it was a part of him that he had recognized early on and nurtured into the seamless personality he projected onto the world.  
  
The seemingly effortless way he handled his mask...there was no way he'd admit how long he had to train to do that, especially when it came to eating. He could still remember how he used to go hungry during lunch at the Academy before he had mastered the trick. It just wasn't cool to have to take off the super ninja mask to do something ordinary like eat.  
  
The way he always showed up late for meetings. Some rainy days there really wasn't much to do to kill time during those couple of hours that he always made people wait for him. He could only read the same "Icha Icha" book so many times before even HE couldn't stand it anymore. But wait they shall...it just wasn't his style to actually be bothered to show up at a predetermined time. Besides, it was fun to think up of new excuses on a daily basis. It kept up his skills at making up things on the fly...very useful for an undercover ninja.  
  
The way he handled Gai was pretty impressive, or at least he thought so. Who could possibly deal with that guy over so many years without going a bit wonky himself? The fire his eyes blaze out IS indeed quite dangerous to a man's sanity. He just seemed to have some way of inciting annoyance in almost anyone. Too bad he didn't even realize that he has such skills; it could probably work quite well as some kind of interrogation technique. Kakashi could swear that the average person, ninja or not, would be willing to do anything to get away from Gai after a week or two, and that was even if Gai didn't do anything consciously.  
  
The attitude he took as an Anbu captain...people called him ruthless when he didn't even blink as his teammates died slowly in pain, screaming out curses to God. Some actually believed that he didn't care. Damn it, he DID! But showing such a weakness while still in battle would have lead to more injuries. Well, at least this reputation spread past his own village and worked to his advantage in fights. But still, it had hurt him that some of the people he had considered as more than just acquaintances, his almost-friends, could imagine that of him. Ah well, at least almost- friends can be dropped without much fanfare.  
  
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All this so that people would feel safe around him. It may sound strange, but Kakashi had recognized early on that people seemed comfortable around him than with others who had ups and downs in their emotions. Most would think that the aggravation that he caused would make people anything but calm, but in the long run being with Kakashi seemed to rub off on others...made them realize that most things just weren't as big of a deal as most people wanted to make them. Also, they seemed to take his blasé personality as stability upon which they could gauge events. As long as Kakashi had that unconcerned look and sheepish laugh...well, things couldn't be that bad yet, right?  
  
Besides, if he lost his calm demeanor everyone else would be unnerved. He would never let that happen. The life of a shinobi was too dangerous to let panic lower a ninja's defenses. Even the obvious annoyance people felt because of him had to be better than the constant fear that nagged at the hearts of ninjas. If the way he replaced that feeling of emptiness was with exasperation, so be it.  
  
It wasn't always easy keeping up his laidback attitude. There had been the odd time or two when he would have just liked to scream in frustration, like when having to explain anything even remotely complex to Naruto. But then again people usually beat him to it. Sakura always seemed to reach the breaking point way sooner than Kakashi, even if she wasn't the one doing the explaining. And once seeing her go off it always seemed ridiculous, after all, to expend the energy.  
  
But it would be nice if he could find someone that he could act bitchy with if he was having a bad day and maybe even scream in frustration without them thinking that he had finally gone insane. Not that he would actually bother doing such things; just knowing that if he did snap the other wouldn't be bothered by it would be sufficient for him. Besides, he really DIDN'T care enough about most things to let it get to him the way most people would.  
  
Maybe he was thinking too much about it. Yeah. It didn't suit him. What could he say? He just was born with the perfect personality to be a ninja; and hey, at least no one would ever accuse him of being boring.  
  
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	4. Teacher

Kakashi's Singleness By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.  
  
Okay, so I lied. I'm much too intrigued by Kakashi to give up on this story. Plus with what I'm planning, I can get around my writer's block with regards to Kakashi's mysterious taisetsu na hito.   
  
Soooooooo, I'm going to try writing about what Kakashi thinks about the other characters in Naruto. And maybe it'll help develop a love story in the meantime.  
  
Well, here it is...  
  
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Kakashi Sensei:  
  
His day was FINALLY over. He knew they were good kids, but unfortunately NOT the best students. As a teacher, maybe he was supposed to know how to connect those two points, but his training to become a jounin really had little to do with teaching skills.  
  
It still surprised him that young children were actually entrusted to people like him whose number one ability was in assassinations. Sure, they were expected to become a ruthless shinobi like him, but they still had a lot of maturing to get out of the way before they could really be considered ichininmae. Ruthlessness was only useful in a shinobi if it was built on a foundation of solid commitment to the village; and frankly, his students weren't exactly well-known for their devotion. Sasuke's recent actions were beyond comment, Naruto was on the verge of snapping at times from the continued hatred of the villagers, and Sakura was a bit self- centered to put the village above herself at most times.  
  
Those kids had only just started to get a grip on what their reality was going to be... irrevocably understanding what it REALLY meant to be a shinobi. Would they make it? It was a question that he had been pretty confident of before the genin exam, but with recent events Kakashi wasn't so sure anymore. And he felt guilty. Wasn't a teacher supposed to have faith in their team no matter what?  
  
However, such doubts didn't mean that he wasn't supportive of Team 7. So what if he had a dysfunctional team? He'd never seen a "normal" team yet; if anyone could prove that Konoha had ever had a team that even resembled normalcy, Kakashi was willing to parade around the village naked (though with his face mask still on of course).  
  
Well, at the very least the Third Hokage must have seen something in Kakashi that made him believe that Kakashi would make a good teacher. Most people had given up on Kakashi ever teaching and thought that the bell test was just his excuse to slack off on his responsibility. Even then, the Third had always kept Kakashi on the roster of jounin teachers year after year. Kakashi had never bothered asking why before Sarutobe-sama's death and he was sorry now.  
  
Anyways, even if he DID actually possess some mysterious innate aptitude to teach that Sandaime had minuita, he sure as hell didn't have any training in how to deal with adolescents. Could he have been as confusing and full of contradictions during that time?? Well okay, so maybe he was STILL confusing and full of contradictions, but at least it was purposeful and he had learned how to use it to his advantage.  
  
Maybe he could train them in using their adolescent angst as a weapon. Since two of them had curses while the third had a split personality, they might as well use that in their favor. The balance of a battle often favored those that possessed unpredictable factors and they didn't look any different from typical ninja kids at first glance. If he'd only known what he was getting himself into...  
  
Oh well, it could have always been worse. If his team had consisted of Shikamaru, Shino and Neji the combined laziness, eccentricity, and arrogance of his team would have been way too reminiscent of a teenager Kakashi. It would have been extremely annoying to have to deal with that combination again. He was supposed to enjoy watching others suffer the quirks of eccentric genius, not vice versa!! He could easily imagine the silent glares that would be the only form of communication on that team.  
  
Moreover, with the recent shortage of Jounins, the village may have been forced to choose someone less than desirable for the position if Kakashi had declined. And he'd much rather put up with the pains of being a teacher than to have someone like Morino Ibiki actually be in a position to affect young impressionable minds. That thought never failed to get a shudder out of him. At the very least, he could always think of teaching as an extreme training for patience. Genjitsu mind-torture just wouldn't be the same after dealing with his team; his tolerance for mental anguish was almost super-human by now.  
  
And he was thankful that no one on his team had asked him about the birds and the bees. Thank god Sasuke was too proud to ask, Naruto had Iruka to ask, and Sakura had parents. Though it would have been amusing to give the Icha Icha version of that talk, potentially scarring a kid for life put a damper on that fun idea.  
  
But the number one thing he was most thankful for was that he already had silver hair before becoming a teacher. The stress of his students would never show visibly on him, unlike other teachers like Asuma and Kurenai. Did they REALLY think he wouldn't notice the wrinkles and gray hairs that they tried to hide with genjitsu and dye? There was nothing like vivid signs of aging to bring about a mid-life crisis; Kakashi was willing to bet that was the reason why those two had started dating. And at the rate that Iruka worries after his current AND past students, it was only a matter of time before he had a heart attack.  
  
Besides, if Naruto ever did become Hokage, Kakashi could blackmail him into getting the best missions. With the amount of blackmail material already in his hands, he was in for years' worth of special privileges. In the meantime the least his team could do was to provide Kakashi with entertainment on a daily basis. It was quite a stress reliever to watch their over-reaction (or in Sasuke's case forced non-reaction) to the little "fun" things he did.  
  
And though he would never admit it, it was a comforting thought that some small part of him would live on in his students were he to die on one of his missions. And maybe, just maybe, it was preparing him for a time when he would have a family of his own...with children that would require all the parenting skills that being a jounin teacher had taught him. Perhaps that was what Sarutobe-sama had in mind all along. He did seem to have a fondness for making teachers out of those without families. Hmmm....too bad Sandaime didn't live long enough to get a chance to put Naruto and Sasuke through the same torture.  
  
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ichininmae=grown up, mature, full adult minutia=see through, pick out  
  
So, how was it? I'm not sure if this flows well with the previous chapters...but this is what I've got for now and I would appreciate reviews on how to make the story better etc...  
  
Any ideas? I'm pretty open to where this story will go from here. (Though I do have another chapter in the works). I'm really glad that so many of you have enjoyed this story so far and your encouraging words have helped me out a lot :)  
  
Cheers,  
  
Violettachan 


	5. Sakura

Kakashi's Singleness

By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.

The last chapter uploaded very strangely. It would appear, and then disappear from the story at random for the first couple of days... And then, I couldn't upload this chapter AT ALL even though it had been completed a long time ago. Maji uzai... Oh well. Anyways, a review today made me want to try uploading this again. (Thanks Poprice).

Oh, and I'm also toying with the ideal of making this a prequel to a story between Kakashi and someone (can't tell you yet). I want to change the point of view and move outside of Kakashi if I do that... What do you think? Or should I just continue with this as a Kakashi only thing and start from scratch??

Also: Language warning. Sakura fans beware of a frustrated Kakashi. It's not that I dislike her, but really, the girl can be annoying at times (well more like it's annoying how shounen manga portrays girls in general...grrr). However, I do like what other fanfics have done with her character (I love it when she kicks ass). I think she has the potential to be a cool character, but in the meantime, here's my story. Don't get too mad, ne?

And yes, I know the paragraph breaks are annoying, but I couldn't get my usual to show up for some reason.

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::Kakashi and Sakura::

Dear god, it was horrible... He usually needed so little (just some alone time with his book) to keep happy and yet today had been horrendous.

The team dynamic was appalling today. But the sad thing was that it was so _normal_ for his team to be suffering from a lack of cooperation. Damn teenage hormones! Damn Sakura's crush on Sasuke!! And damn Naruto for adding his ridiculous rivalry and crush into the mixture!!!

At least he was able to keep up a façade of indifference in front of the kids. He was NOT about to give them the satisfaction of seeing him being affected by their stupidity. But it HAD kept him from being able to be in the mood to read his book, and THAT was something.

Kakashi was so fed up with the simplest of missions being turned into a big melodrama. But at least the boys didn't come to him crying afterwards. Dealing with Sakura's tears had almost made him snap...

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It had been so easy for Kakashi to assume that Sakura would overcome her childish crush on Sasuke once she actually had to work day-in and day-out with him. Well, that fantasy was crushed ever so easily...

He had been convinced that the infatuation couldn't last through the first few intense missions, since it was under such pressured situations that a teammate's faults became glaringly obvious. But his miscalculation was in assuming that Sakura liked the "flawless little Uchiha, the last survivor of the clan" and would take anything less than perfection from him as the hint that no one could live up to her rose-colored visions of love ever-lasting.

Well, she DID realize that her crush wasn't grounded in reality...but instead of ending her feelings for him, the end of her infatuation signed the beginnings of her love for him. Argh, Kakashi couldn't believe he didn't see this happening. In his la-la dreamland he had actually thought that the team would be infinitely easier to handle once Sakura got her head out of the clouds about the Uchiha boy. Nope. No way. Of course not. Why hadn't being a shinobi for so long cured him of such false hopes? Life always seemed to enjoy making him its bitch.

At least her infatuation with Sasuke could have pushed her to excel. Nope, of course not. It's always the book-smart ones that were common-sense stupid. It didn't take a genius to know that Sasuke would want a strong woman to rebuild his clan, but that connection didn't seem to quite add up in Sakura's mind. Instead of focusing on looking pretty, skinny, or whatever it was that she did, she should have focused on becoming stronger if she wanted his attention. Though it seemed that Sakura was finally beginning to get a clue after the Chuunin Exams, she was still far behind the boys.

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Kakashi knew he was being harsh on Sakura because of the day's botched mission. The girl didn't mean to cause problems. In fact, she was usually trying her best to do well. It was just that her "best" really wasn't good enough, since it only involved her effort at the moment. Ninja skills had to be polished to the sharp point necessary through mundane training; even "genius" ninjas like Kakashi had to train themselves hour after hour on their most basic skills in order to stay in peak condition. The girl just didn't have the proper motivation and strong will to go through such rigorous training on a daily basis. So her best effort almost always ended in vain and caused her to be depressed for being the deadweight of the team.

But Sakura was a smart girl. She HAD to know that she needed more training to stay abreast of her teammates. Why she didn't do so was a mystery to Kakashi; he was skilled at looking through jutsus, NOT teenage girls' minds. Even the famous Sharingan stood no chance against something as complicated as that.

He just couldn't understand where Sakura was coming from and how to help her out. There had to be something he could do. She was a nice girl where Sasuke wasn't involved. She was caring, smart, and talented in chakra control. She would make a great strategist or medic-nin if she put her mind to it.

Maybe he would just have to wait it out. At some point the girl was going to grow up and get a better grip on her emotions. She might even outgrow her feelings for Sasuke or at least learn how to use them to better herself. And until Sakura herself made the choice to become serious about ninja training, there was little Kakashi could do.

Well at least he could console himself of the fact that he didn't end up with Hinata. From what he had seen of her, she was extremely nerve-wracking to watch. His respect for Kurenai had increased every time he saw her calm Hinata from the verge of crying. Kakashi was quite sure that he wouldn't have been able to handle her fragile emotions so well. And her OBVIOUS crush on Naruto would not have been any easier to deal with than Sakura's love for Sasuke. At least Sakura didn't almost faint at every glance thrown her way during practice.

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It was a wonder how a couple hours of sleep and a good bowl of ramen helped to calm his nerves. Now that he'd gotten a chance distance himself from the day's events, Kakashi could afford to be more generous to Sakura. It was true...regardless of how much frustration she caused him, Kakashi couldn't help but think of Sakura as his favorite student. In spite of everything, Kakashi really believed that she had a chance to succeed as a ninja as much as Sasuke or Naruto.

He realized that the saying, "Baka na ko hodo kawaii" was true. He really did feel rather overprotective of her, and that was the reason that the current situation with her even bothered him. If truth be told, Kakashi couldn't remember feeling this way for anyone in such a long time. The fact that he cared for her enough to actually allow her to penetrate his nonchalance spoke for itself. In fact, his entire team seemed to have a knack for aggravating him to a point that not even Gai had been able to push him.

Maybe it was because they were the longest he'd had to deal with the same team members since his early genin days. Or maybe it was because he was going through a mid-life crisis. Whatever the case, these kids were close enough to his heart to manage to get under his skin.

Well, maybe the morning's disaster was life's way of showing him that he cared for his team. Too bad life couldn't have shown that to him in happier ways. Oh well, such was the life of a shinobi: always harder than it should be, filled with pain, and yet somehow worth it in the end.

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baka na ko hodo kawaii: A Japanese saying that loosely translates to "the stupider the kid, the cuter they are." It reflects how parents tend to become more attached to and protective of the "stupid" kid of the family, while they usually feel that the "smart" one is fine on their own/can fend for themselves.

I know some people are going to think that Kakashi is out of character in this chapter, but they don't understand what a horrid day he had...and come on; even the calmest person has to throw an inner hissy fit at some point or another.

And yes, it does seem to go against Ch. 3 Nonchalance...but I'm assuming that he's grown more attached to the kids since then and therefore are affected by them to an extent that he hadn't imagined possible at that time.

But, if you still think that Kakashi would react differently etc. please let me know and I will use that to guide me. I haven't been keeping up-to-date on the manga, so maybe I am getting out of touch with the characterization...well, I guess I'll just have to haul my butt over to the nearest furuhonya (used book store) and play catch up.

Also, thank you to all the people who have reviewed the last two chapters. I forgot to add my "thank you for reviews" section to the last chapter. Gomen.

Cdk – Thank you for your ideas on themes to explore. I really appreciate your help. I'll have to see what I can come up with for one or two of them. Plus you are one of the few that reviewed my last chapter, so that makes you extra super special!

Poprice – Your review was unexpected (cause of the timing) and got me off my lazy butt and inspired me to continue the story ï Thanks.

Orange Blossom Nin – Thank you so much for your kind words. I can really relate to your frustration on trying to capture the enigmatic character of Kakashi. I hope that I can show that he is a multifaceted person, without straying too far from canon.

And to everyone else a big warm thank you!! Extra great karma to you all!!

Cheers,

Violettachan


	6. Mr Nice Guy

**Kakashi's Singleness**

By: Violettachan  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.

**Mr. Nice Guy:**

Kakashi knew that higher ranking shinobi who were cut out to be teachers were far and few in between. Hell, he wasn't really up for a "model teacher of the year" award anytime soon and neither were many of his Jounin colleagues. Between Asuma's cancerous smoking habit; Gai's um...well, Gai-ness; Kurenai's nose-bleed inducing use of her sexiness as a persuasion/torture technique; and of course his own love for Icha Icha Paradise, it would be no wonder if parents did NOT want their kids turning out like any of them. Kakashi shuddered to think of his own kid being mini versions of the jounins...though if unrelated to himself, another Kurenai was always welcome.

However, there was one instructor that Kakashi knew all the parents loved and adored. He was the kind of person that all mothers dreamed for their daughters to bring home. Polite, attentive, humble, patient... Even fathers would find it hard to deny such a man as being worthy of his little angel.

Though of course this also meant that most women found him as a "Mr. Nice Guy," which loosely translated to "too safe and boring for me, but I'm sure he'd be perfect for X." Poor Iruka. Kakashi could just imagine woman after woman saying, "I care for you too much to endanger our friendship for something that may not even work."

It must be hard to hear that, though Kakashi had never personally suffered from the "guy-friend" syndrome. He was undecided whether that was a good thing or a bad thing... Did it mean that he was just so irresistibly sexy? Or that he had never gotten to know women before he dated them? Well ego trip aside, it was probably the latter. It was no wonder that these relationships never quite lasted past the infatuation period. This fact probably pointed to something wrong with him, but Kakashi was happy to keep whatever it was repressed in his mind. Ah, blissful ignorance.

But even with his obvious lack of commitment, there were hordes of women after Kakashi and not even one noticeable woman after Iruka. Women must be idiots. Passion and adrenaline rushes only last so long. They bitch and moan about their cheating, no-good, commitment-phobic partners, while completely ignoring the nice guys. What was wrong with them?? Of course, the nice, safe, and incredibly boring guy was the one who made a perfect husband/father!

Not that Kakashi himself would go for "Ms. Goody Two-Shoes," Mr. Nice Guy's counterpart. But hey, he wasn't the one complaining about sex-only relationships. And besides, Iruka was a NINJA!! Of course his life wasn't going to be an absolute bore. Even the accidents that happened in the academy wreaked more havoc than what normal people would experience in all of their lives. And he was a prankster in his young age! Would a pure Mr. Nice Guy have been capable of such mischief?? Bah, Iruka was probably a little devil in his own right under that pleasant façade. Why else would he be so understanding of Naruto?

As far as Kakashi had seen, Iruka never really had a girlfriend. Sure, there were the occasional blind dates, but nothing seemed to come from them. The Anko Betting Pool had stopped even bothering with their outcomes, since it had become so predictable. Some people, mostly the ones who had lost the first couple of bets, whispered that Iruka was gay but no one knew of a "too close" guy friend. In fact, as kind and open as Iruka seemed, he seemed to have few close relationships. Hm, maybe Iruka had issues with intimacy too? Then again, almost all ninja did.

Even so, the damn man was lucky. At least only REAL people would want to get to know the Chuunin. Anyone befriending Iruka wouldn't be in it for his reputation, but for who he really was. Lucky bastard. Any woman smart enough to go for Iruka was worth looking into. Not that he would steal love from such a worthy man, but just in case Iruka wasn't interested... well, Kakashi would be willing to help heal her pain of rejection.

**To Be Continued**

Sorry for the late updates on this story. I've started another fic about Shikamaru (yes, another lazy genius) and it's so much easier to come up with ideas for that one... But fear not, Kakashi is still number one in my heart and this story will continue. Just cut me some slack on update frequency, ne?

nekogrrl77 Thanks for the tips! I really appreciate it when someone takes the time to actually point out specifics. As for Kakashi's age, I actually did know that he was in his late 20s (though not his exact age) but I was kind of assuming that most jounin-level shinobi don't live very long past their mid 50s to early 60s. Perhaps I was mistaken in that assumption though?

As for the reason for his late arrival...well, half of me just wants to know...yet, the other half doesn't. It's like the night before Christmas when all your presents are whispering your name. BUT I suppose I'll be a good little girl and not spoil it for myself... And I WILL drag my butt over to the nearest used book store and go through the series soon!! So until then, I'll just have to make do with what I already know ;

Thank You, Thank you, and thank you to all reviewers. Feel the good karma wash you over. Ah, your newly rejuvenated soul must be itching to leave another review for another dose of that heavenly feeling...

Cheers,

Violettachan


	7. Ninja

**Kakashi's Singleness  
****By: Violettachan**

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.

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Gah, can't believe I haven't updated this in two months. My other work is of higher priority and hope you all will be patient with me. 

Thanks to cdkobasiuk for this chapter's idea. If anyone else has suggestions for chapter themes please leave them in a review and I will try my best to incorporate them into the story.

And I suppose it's already been AU for a while, but I thought that I might actually make it "official" by announcing it.

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**Ninja:**

The regular jounins had been together drinking and someone (Kakashi had already forgotten who) had asked, "When you were in the Academy, what did you want to be other than a shinobi?" Kakashi snickered as he remembered the intensity with which Gai proclaimed that he would have still been a teacher to help ignite the eternal flame of youth. Everyone had howled with laughter when Kurenai "accidentally" let it slip that Anko had once wanted to be a housewife with three children for an Academy crush—Ibiki. Anko swore that he had been the sweetest little boy, but no one could remember or imagine such a thing. The thought of children with Ibiki and Anko traits made everyone laugh nervously.

When the questioning turned to him, Kakashi hadn't been able to remember anything he had even considered being, other than a ninja. But of course he wouldn't admit to something so boring, and had chosen the occupation, "porn star." Though now that he thought about it, he wondered why nobody doubted that a little Kakashi even knew what "porn" was…surely they didn't think he had been a full-blown pervert by the age of six?

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All of his life Kakashi had never thought of being a shinobi as a choice. It was no less a given in his life than brushing his teeth in the mornings. Why? Well, he had grown up in a ninja village with ninja parents. And if passing the chuunin exam by the time he was six didn't determine his career choice, what could?

Like most people, Kakashi did not have very many memories of his youngest years. This meant that Kakashi had a mere handful of recollections of his pre-ninja life. And even in these memories, there were always hints of shinobi life overshadowing any normalcy—the ningu for birthday presents, the target practice as father-son bonding, the family insignia stitched onto sweaters his grandmother knitted...he supposed it was the same for anyone who grew up in a ninja family.

He had been enrolled in the academy at an extremely young age by his parents. They had been eager to promote the growth of their "little genius." Too bad Kakashi had never gotten the chance to ponder whether it was the right choice for him. Even though many ninjas decided their careers very early in life, most were at the age where they at least knew that there was a choice to be made.

Everyone around him had been so excited at how quickly he was promoted to chuunin, jounin, and on to ANBU, that he hadn't even been able to voice his doubts. Did he miss out? What if he had also been a genius in other things. Maybe he could have been an artist? A physicist? A writer of both perverted and non-perverted literature? Okay, so all his attempts at writing _anything_ were pretty pathetic, but perhaps if he had grown up in a different environment…

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As a kid he had no chance to grow up normally. While other kids were playing and learning how to form social skills, their place in life, their likes/dislikes…he was learning how to deceive, infiltrate, and kill. While the boys his age were play-fighting and pretending to be heroes, Kakashi was already learning how to put on a neutral mask as friends and foe alike succumbed to death. Before even having his first crush, Kakashi had to infiltrate a whorehouse orgy. He had been so disgusted that he shied away from any physical contact for a long time after. And his first experience had been wooing and sleeping with a nobleman's daughter to gain knowledge of military secrets.

Kakashi still envied the blushing first love of young couples. It hurt to know that he would never understand how it felt to awkwardly discover the wonders of the opposite sex. He was incredibly glad that such events hadn't turned him off sex permanently. He fondly remembered a few kunouchi who had been willing to help him work through his issues.

What was sad was that these issues were a mere tip of the iceberg. They were just the things that Kakashi was comfortable in remembering. The rest were locked in a box deep inside of him where he refused to look. Repression may not be healthy, but who could argue with a tactic that kept a man from self-loathing? It had been hard to receive the looks of adoration and hero worship from his peers (who were still children, while he was not). And he had thanked God for the mask covering his grimace. It was ridiculous that kids always tried to grow up so quickly, only to lament the days of their youth later. Too bad Kakashi didn't even have the luxury of having a youth to lament.

Despite all this, Kakashi knew deep down that if he was given another chance at life, he wouldn't hesitate to follow the same path. Konoha needed him, his comrades needed him, and his students needed him. That was enough for him.

More than any of his natural aptitude, his sense of loyalty made him a ninja first, before being a man. Perhaps he wasn't as happy as he could be in another walk of life, but he knew that he made a difference in the lives of the villagers. That was more than enough to give him the strength to keep going. Though many ninjas sneered upon Konoha for being too soft-hearted, Kakashi knew without a doubt that his village was one of the few that was worthy of the lives sacrificed in protecting it.

**To Be Continued**

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Um, I didn't expect it to be so full of angst, but "killer" as an occupation just didn't lend itself to a cheerful chapter. I'll try to lighten things up the next chapter. I'm not too sure about this chapter, so let me know what you think. 

**Review Replies:**

bobo3: Thank you for your very kind review. I appreciate the time you took for me. I immediately wanted to see your works, but was sidetracked into reading rythmteck's half of the story ; Um, yeah. So give me some time (they are quite long stories).

_And let me go fangirl for a moment here:_

Yei! I was reviewed by leafygirl!! If any of you haven't read her work, go do it now! She has grown wonderfully as an author. Her recent Kaka/Saku and Neji/Saku are a pleasure to read.

**And a big thank you to:** Darkness-ninja, sna, poprice (You're always reviewing. Love you!), IloveKakashi, and R.K.R.

Cheers,

Violettachan


	8. Nightmares

**Kakashi's Singleness**

By: Violettachan

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.

I've moved to another country due to an illness in the family and had to find an apartment and job. So sorry for the really slow update, but please be patient with me.

Onegai shimasu m(..)m

Oh, I said that I would try to lighten up this chapter, but it went the complete opposite direction. Angst alert. I have a lot of things to deal with in the next couple of months, so it may stay that way for a bit.

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_Kakashi watched as his dream self committed heinous act after act to Sakura. Assassinating her, torturing her, sending her to countless deaths. With a grotesquely kunai mangled face, she looked straight at him and said the words he had heard many times over, "Why me? Why are you doing this to me?"_

**Nightmares:**

Kakashi woke with a start and had to feel his face to make sure that the ANBU mask wasn't there. That it was sweat, not blood dripping down his body. That it wasn't a genjutsu created to ensnare him, but another damn nightmare.

As soon as he reoriented himself, Kakashi was ashamed that he had allowed himself to move before gaining his bearings yet again. Thank god his subconscious mind didn't have a death wish and kept these occasions neatly tucked in his own bedroom. However, he also couldn't figure out what caused them. His exhaustion and stress levels seemed to have no correlation with the nightmares and Kakashi hated that. It was so much more frustrating for a perfectly good day and night to be strangled than for a shitty day to have an understandably shitty ending. If only he could predict when they would come…

Kakashi, for the most part, was resigned to the nightmares themselves. Yet he could not help but feel weak at his inability to suppress the course his mind inevitably took after them. The thick solid walls that were supposed to enclose his guilt and disgust suddenly became mere transparent membranes. And when that happened, Kakashi had no choice but to admit that he had become horribly twisted and warped through living the hard life of a shinobi…that his repressed memories bled together into a cesspool that fed off of his inability to cope with them.

The repressed memories/images/snapshots of horror, blood, and gore… It replayed over and over until he was sucked into a whirlpool of pain, anger, and loathing. The mix of emotions varied slightly from night to night, but the end result was always an overwhelming neediness that remained as a bitter aftertaste for several days. The need for tranquility, for love, for acceptance, for mercy, for a breath of humanity; it drove him crazy. Yet he knew that once he lost this reaction, he would have lost his loose grip on sanity also.

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Originally, Kakashi had only the typical run of the mill ANBU nightmares. All rookies went through them and outgrew them. In fact, he had suffered quite less than the others. He had learned to suppress emotions and mechanically go through the revolting missions quite easily. Though he had been younger and supposedly more impressionable, his young mind was also better adapted to compartmentalizing his brain: ANBU Kakashi and his dreadful memories in a dark corner surrounded by thick walls; easygoing Kakashi in the rest. A great system until that murky corner slowly grew over the countless missions and began to encroach on the rest of his personality.

That's when Kakashi knew he would have to get out of the ANBU soon, or rethink his strategy for dealing with the growing shadows in his mind. Circumstances took care of that, but maybe he should have learned a new way of dealing with things anyways. In fact, looking back, he could admit that a part of the reason he passed Team 7 was that it offered a way to create a new life for himself. Being a gennin team's teacher was as far away from the harsh realities faced on ANBU missions as a jounin could get.

That's why it was quite ironic that the real nightmares had started after he became a teacher. In essence, the more "human" Kakashi had to be as a teacher, the more his tight control on all emotions loosened subconsciously. By the time he realized it, it was too late. He had stopped being an efficient killing machine with defined borders between his work self and real self. Those kids had blurred the lines and now he was having nightmares without any way to stop them.

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Though it only took half a second to sense he was at home, another half hour passed before his heart rate returned to normal. On these nights Kakashi refused to go back to sleep for fear of falling into the same dreams; convinced that the next fall would cause the final avalanche that would plunge him over the edge. He was afraid to think lest it led to a path of self-destructive thoughts.

Kakashi had enough cuts on his body without adding any self-inflicted ones. Yet the urge was there. To punish himself for what he had done…to overwhelm the hurt in his heart with raw pain coming from his body. He knew from battle experience that the light-headedness of blood loss would cloud his mind and shield his heart.

He wasn't stupid though and managed to stop himself. Kakashi knew that it wouldn't change a damn thing except to lower his self-respect and his ability to perform his duties. But fuck, he had to deal with it somehow…learn not to hate himself for all that he'd done. Convince himself that despite everything, someone would love him. Not out of ignorance but even with truly knowing what horrors he was capable of inflicting. However, he wasn't going to hold his breath waiting for that to happen. Kakashi knew that he had no conceivable right to be blissfully happy after committing so many atrocities in the name of Konoha.

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While it was impossible to escape the chaotic mess in his head, he'd found that singing a song out loud helped. It must've looked odd, a man waking with a start only to begin singing a song in the pre-dawn hours. On top of that, the only songs he could associate with safety were children's nursery rhymes that he'd learned before graduating from the academy: the end result being a former ANBU singing children's songs. Good lord, if the clients knew that this was what protected them, a loony man with his nursery rhymes. He could just imagine their reactions.

But then again, Kakashi never really had cared for what others thought.

And so he sang:

_Ookina kuri no ki no shita de_ (Under a great chestnut tree)

_Anata to watashi_ (You and I)

_Nakayoku asobimashou_ (Let's get along and play)

_Ookina kuri no ki no shita de_ (Under a great chestnut tree)

**To Be Continued**

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**Review Replies:**

So there it is. I know it's short (as always). I just can't do long scenes because I can't hold onto one emotion for a long time. I try to do something long, but it becomes fragmented as my mind changes its focus. Argh. I adore stories that have carefully woven chapters, but I'll never be the one to create them.

The song is a very common one in Japan. It comes with gestures and kids have great fun with it. To me, it reflects the innocence of children who can create their own simple world playing under a giant tree. I never thought I would include songs in any of my fics, but I couldn't get a mournful Kakashi singing children's songs out of my head. Was it completely random though?

I will continue doing the short spurts I can manage and hope that you will enjoy them. Any reviews will, of course, help keep me on track :) Maybe even get a happy chapter out of me.

Cheers,

Violettachan


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